it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
