My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
