when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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