i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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