Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
