Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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