You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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