I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
you had me at cake vodka
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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