ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Randomize
