You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
