I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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