Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Someone shattered a urinal.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
