I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
