You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
