You're my little dorito
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
