Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I skipped work to stalk him.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
