I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
