I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
