Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
