new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
