I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
