she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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