Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
His hands were made for my vagina.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
