I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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