When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
barbara walters just said penis...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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