Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
