His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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