Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Vodka?
Forever.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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