Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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