listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
