and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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