Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
