I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I wear drunk well.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
