so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
