I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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