just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
