the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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