You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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