dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
