I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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