Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
