Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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