I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
