i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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