Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
