bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
