I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
