ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
