I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
