Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
