we have officially lost it.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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