I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
