I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
