he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
