Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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